Free to a Loving Home

Einstein here. I'm putting myself up for adoption, and I thought this might be the best way to get the word out.

Three-and-a-half-year-old champion bloodline Pug free to a loving home. I am house broken, well mannered, and low maintenance.

Adopting family must not have any young children who will use me as a bean bag, landing pad, or any other form of pre-kindergarten entertainment. In fact, an ideal adoption candidate would not have any children at all; I am at my best when I am the center of attention.

Additionally, the adopting family must be willing to accommodate my daily exercise regimen, namely, a half-block's walk at a leisurely pace in which I will have free reign on the leash and will be able to stop and sniff, eat, or relieve myself on anything (or anyone) I choose. Interested families with even the slightest predisposition to taking me on a Bataan Death March of a walk--lasting longer than a half-block, walking in temperatures above 73 degrees, or jerking the leash like it's a thirteen-year-old lawn mower--need not apply.

I have a pleasant, easy-going temperament, and you will find me easy to love. My current owners complain about my tendency to shed, but they fail to realize how fluffy the carpet is when I've shed all over it. My current owners may also spread venomous lies regarding my snoring and various noises I produce. I've never heard myself snore, so I have no idea what they're talking about.

Any potential candidate should be ready to accommodate my strict diet, which consists of only the choicest cuts of beef, dark meat poultry, and slow roasted pork. Oh, what the heck, I'll take white meat poultry too. And Spaghettios. And...well, my diet may not be as strict as it may seem. Just know this, the words dry and dog food do not find themselves anywhere in that diet.

Interested families that meet all of the above criteria are welcome to come and take me immediately. As my current owners spend all their attention and energies on The Golden Child, it will probably take them a few months to notice that I am not around. Come to our apartment in an unmarked limo and leave a trail of Swedish meatballs to the vehicle. I'll find you.

Thank you for your interest. I've lived a cold, harsh life, especially in the past 2 years, but with your help I'll be able to salvage what's left of it.

--Einstein